You're Creeping Me Out, Lady.

Well, the numbers are in, and "New Moon" is looking like it'll rank somewhere in the Top 5 of all-time when it comes to opening-weekend box office returns. Not surprisingly, either, the numbers coming in are indicating that 80% of the New Moon audiences are female. So there's nothing really shocking here to report, right?

Well, if you mean "shocking" as in "surprising," then you are correct, sir. But if you mean "shocking" as in "disturbing," then I respectfully beg to differ.

When "Twilight" came out last year, I took great delight in teasing my 30-something divorced hausfrau friends about their borderline-creepy crushes on Robert Pattinson, the star of the film. "He's a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT," I would taunt them, but many of them responded by reminding me that A) his character is actually hundreds of years old, and B) the actor himself is 22. Ok, ok, you got me. Still a little creepy, but I can buy into that.

This time around, though? Same squealing hausfrau crowds, same film series, but now we have a whole new level of creepiness: The star- and the character- is 17.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. "Hausfrau? As in, housewife? What are you talking about, Steve, this movie was for little teeny-boppers, not their mothers!"

Oh, I know who it was ostensibly made for, but I'm talking about who's actually seeing it, and who exactly is drooling over this young boy's rock-hard abs. I have yet to see a teenager confess her undying lust for this kid, but my 30-to-45 year old ladyfriends? They are unabashed in their confessions of the dirty things they'd love to do to this child.

As I love to point out to the more rational, even-keeled women I know, every single one of these women would be creeped out beyond expression if I were to show up at the opening-night 12:01 Imax showing of the next Hannah Montana Concert Film in pajama bottoms, fuzzy slippers, and a Team Miley t-shirt. Without exception. I'd be condemned and vilified for the remainder of my days by these women. Hell, I've gotten flack from some of them for checking out 25-year-olds.

But when I respond to their dirty minded Facebook comments regarding young Taylor Lautner with a one-word comment, "17," oh BOY do I ever catch some flack! One friend went so far as to tell me that I was NO LONGER her friend, since I wasn't able to just let her enjoy her little movie-star crush. Oh, and I was just jealous.

Jealous? Hmm, I never comment when someone says they want to ravage Brad Pitt. I mean, the guy's a grown man, they're grown women, and he's eye candy. It's to be expected.

But Taylor Lautner? Lust after him when he starts shaving, if it's too much trouble for you to keep track of his birthday.

Now for the rest of you men out there who are reading this, nodding your heads, and wondering why you have to accept this phenomenon as "normal," "ok," and "to-be-expected," DO NOT take this blog as an instruction guide on how to fight the power. No no, my friend, let me be the fall guy here. You will lose if you try to fight it. Trust me, because I'm losing, too. No need for us both to go down in flames. Just relax, let the movie fade into the sunset, and take solace in knowing that by 2012, the last movie in the series will be released and forgotten, just in time for the end of the world.

We just have to accept that the women we are expected to want, in turn, want little boys. We, meanwhile, are to continue pretending that we never notice any woman under 30, or that weighs less than 135 lbs. And that we dig the wrinkles and cankles. And no, you don't look fat in that dress.

And Mary Kay Letourneau? Sorry, babe, I have no answers for you, and no, your record will not be expunged.