Hot Grandmas

Well, I suppose this day was inevitable, but I still wasn't quite ready for it: The day I dated a Grandma.

Ok, actually she was a Grandma-to-be, not YET a grandma, so at the time I took her out, I hadn't yet crossed that threshold. But by now that little baby has burst into the world, so now I have to admit to it: I took out a Grandma! She was hot, and she was young- she had had her own kid in her late teens, and then that kid got herself knocked up young, so it wasn't like I was taking out a grey-skinned shriveled old lady dragging an iron lung behind her.

But still- a GRANDMA?

But this post isn't about me dating a Grandma. No, that's the hook to draw you in- this post is actually about a conversation we had the night I took her out. It went something like this:

GRANNY: I am SO EXCITED for my little Grandbaby to be born!
ME: (lacking enthusiasm) Awesome.
GRANNY: She's due in about a month! And the best part is that I'm going to be there for the birth-
ME: WAIT!
GRANNY: --what?
ME: What did you say?
GRANNNY: Um... I'm going to be there for the birth...?
ME: In the Hospital?
GRANNNY: In the ROOM! It's going to be so awesome-
ME: Is your daughter married? Or is she a single-mother-to-be?
GRANNY: She's married.
ME: Happily? Like, is he in the picture? They're young newlyweds?
GRANNY: Yeah, why?
ME: Don't do this to them.
GRANNY: Do what?

I looked Granny over. She had such a childlike look of pure, oblivious innocense on her face. It would have been very easy to forgive her her cluelessness. To just banter about something light and fluffy until dinner arrived.

But no- somewhere out there was a Young Son-in-Law who was silently begging for my intervention- ANYONE'S intervention. So, for his sake- and since I already knew I had no interest in this broad anyway, so I didn't give two craps if I offended her- I pressed on.

ME: Don't be there for the birth. I mean, be there- be at the Hospital- but don't be in the room.
GRANNY: (blink blink blink, swallow) ....why?
ME: Seriously?
GRANNY: Yeah, why?
ME: Because it's a family moment.
GRANNY: Well, I'm family.
ME: This is a THEIR family moment.
GRANNY: But I'm her MOTHER!
ME: Which is why you should be right there at the Hospital, so once they have had their special, intimate moment with just them and their newborn child, they can immediately invite you in to share their joy.
GRANNY: (blink blink blink) ... But I'm her MOTHER!
ME: And she is now his wife. And you need to stop being so intrusive into their little nuclear family unit, before you drive him away and leave her a young single mother with a bitter ex-husband with stories to tell about his overly-intrusive mother-in-law, who wouldn't keep her damn nose out of their household.
GRANNY:... but the Doctor and nurses will be there too-
ME: Trust me, they fade right into the background. They may as well be furniture. You won't be able to do the same. Your unwanted presence will be completely in their faces. Especially his.
GRANNY: But... but... he WANTS me there!
ME: No, he doesn't.
GRANNY: No, he SAID he wants me there!
ME: How did that come up?
GRANNY: My daughter asked him, and he said so!
ME: Once you demanded to be there and she went to him, he was stuck. He had no other option than to grit his teeth and say, "Of course, honey, I want your mother there!" He doesn't, though. He doesn't want you there at all. Just like he didn't want you there for the conception, either.
GRANNY: (blink blink) ...but he SAID so...
ME: He had no choice. You two conspired against him before he had a chance. Shame on you both.
GRANNY: (blink blink blink)
ME: Seriously.

Well, needless to say, the rest of dinner didn't go well. For her, anyway; my dinner was delicious and the waitress was smoking hot and kind of a flirt, truth be told. But Granny was horribly upset and offended.

Oh well.

I'm sure there are many of you out there who will disagree with me. I am equally as certain that all of you who disagree are women. AND, I am equally as certain that some MEN will state that they disagree, too- when confronted by their angry and offended wives- but those men agree with me more than any others. They may even post comments here disagreeing. In fact they are probably the most likely ones to post comments disagreeing! They'll write their disagreeing comments and get all angry and heated and will then call their wives over to show them the comments they wrote, before the wives even know they did it, before they even know this blog existed, hoping that by doing this, they will somehow ingratiate themselves to their wives, and aggrandize themselves in the eyes of that woman who can never see any good in them or their actions!

I don't blame you men- I know why you're doing it. Even while you're vociferously telling your overbearing wives about what a misogynistic cad I am, just know that I feel your pain, man.

All is forgiven.

So on behalf of all husbands, or specifically all fathers-to-be, I'm asking all of you who will one day be Grandmothers: Don't do this. When the kid is born, stay out of the room. Let your daughter or son have a special bonding moment with just their spouse and child. Give them two friggin minutes, for the love of all things holy, to be JUST THEM, at the most special moment in their family's existence!

And if they INVITE you to be there? Politely refuse. Because let me be brutally honest: If they're inviting you, it's because you're already too intrusive and manipulating as it is, so they are inviting you as a preemptive strike to assuage your ire when you confront your child later and say, "You ARE going to invite me to be there for the birth, RIIIIIGHT??"

You had your shot at motherhood. Cut the apron strings, and now let HER have HERS.