Ever since my kids moved to these God-forsaken swamplands outside of Charlotte, North Carolina, I have been telling them the same story about the Waffle House. It usually goes something like this when we drive by the one up the street from their house:
ME: Have I ever taken you guys to the Waffle House?
KIDS: NO!! We wanna go!
ME: No way, it's so gross!
KIDS: But you said it's funny!
ME: It is funny!
KIDS: Tell us about the waitress again!
ME: Ok, here's what happens. You sit down at the counter and you order. The waitress stands in front of you and writes it all down. And then she pivots on her heel, and without moving one single step, she shouts your order at the top of her lungs at the line cook, who is standing about five feet away from her. "SCRAMBLED EGGS! THREE STRIPS OF BACON! HASHBROWNS! BISCUITS N' GRAVY ON THE SIDE!" I don't even know why she's there. You could shout the order to the cook yourself just as easily.
KIDS: No way, you're making that up!
ME: I'm totally not making up a word of it! That's what happens!
KIDS: Then take us there and show us!
ME: No way, their food sucks!
KIDS: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease!!
ME: No!
Well, today I finally relented. The Waffle House was right up at the street, and my ever-fattening gut was craving their hashbrowns with double grease, so I figured it was time to prove to these kids that there's more to life than Hannah Montana and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. It was time to show them the less dangerous aspects of life's gritty underbelly.
Our first disappointment came when we walked in to discover that the entire counter was already full. A suspiciously over-dressed family of 6 had arrived moments before us and spread themselves out the entire length of it, gingerly resting their elbows upon it after making the required cursory inspections for dried jam and congealed ketchup splatters.
Damn.
I really wanted my kids to have that counter experience. Instead we were going to have to make do with a booth situated in the back corner. Luckily, the "back corner" is only about 8 feet away from the counter, so at least were still within close proximity of where most of the action happened.
Our waitress could best described as a Susan Boyle, without the charm, talent, or cheery disposition. She silently took our order down on a notepad, and then turned and walked back behind the counter. My kids watched her intently without missing a step. She took the order off the pad wordlessly and handed it to the cook.
They turned on me. All 4 of them at once, with the dismayed looks of betrayal that your kids generally save for that "there is no Santa Claus " moment.
Emma, my 6-year-old, led the clamour: "She didn't yell anything."
ME: I know.
STEVIE JR.: You said she always shouts the order.
ME: Well, I didnt say always-
ETHAN: Yes you did! You said she shouts-
ME: Everytime I've come here before, every waitress has shouted-
MADDIE: She just handed it to the cook! She didn't even whisper it to him!
ME: Look, this is the first time I've been to this Waffle House. In every other Waffle House--
And then... from across the restaurant---
"SCRAMBLED EGGS!"
Four little head all snapped around at once towards the commotion.
"HASH BROWNS! COFFEE, BLACK! DOUBLE ORDER OF BACON!! TWO WAFFLES!"
The scowls of disappointment were suddenly replaced with the joyful expressions of children discovering twice as many presents as expected under the Christmas Tree.
MADDIE: Oh my Gosh, it's real!
EMMA: (In her best southern twang) SCRAMBLED AAAAIGS!
STEVIE: That was awesome!
ETHAN: ..... (Ethan was too dumbfounded to speak.)
On and on it went, throughout our entire morning there. That shrill Flo-voice, screaming at her very own Mel, standing a mere four feet away from her if he was an inch, the windows threatening to shatter from the pitch and volume of it.
It was the most magical moment of my kids' lives to date.
And more importantly, I was vindicated.
10 comments:
And the entire Jensen Clan CHEERS and LAUGHS and scratches their bellys with the shared humor.
Thanks for sharing. We needed the laugh.
that's awesome. stephen & i went to a waffle house on a cross country trip and i swear it was the best service we had on the trip, and possibly ever. the waitress was so sweet, they had apple butter, and the hashbrowns were the the yummy shredded kind that no one makes anywhere.
so sad that was 10 years ago and we haven't been to one since.
can't remember if she yelled.
Oh, she yelled.
and the father of the year award goes to....
oh wait. it can't be you. my mistake. i'm still trying to choke down the bile at the mere thought of eating at that place. she may have yelled "aaiggs" but what you got was "scrambled roach".
No, one of the advantages of eating at Waffle House is that the entire restaurant is about 15'x30' in size. They are literally cooking your food right in front of you. They have no opportunity to sneak a roach in on you. Just the extra oil you came in for.
Wow! A fabulous day they will someday tell their kids about. Too bad she didn't use slang like in the Emperor's New Groove. That would've made it even better. : )
The Waffle House in St Roberts Mo has been missing the "W" going on six years now. My son still mentions that fact that without the W it is aptly named. Forget about roaches, I can tell you stories about the “Affle House” that are straight out of a Quenten Tarantino movie. Complete with the Gimp and missing ears.
quick question....how did you link this to your facebook?
and Skip...EWE, that's disguzzering. This was supposed to be a FUNny story people. Steve is COOL and was vindicated when his children were doubting him. YEH for the waitress that yelled out for all the children to hear!!
Steve, this is classic! My mom is from the south, grew up in Tennessee, so I've seen a few waffle houses in my chilhood! Sounds like you're a great dad!
I don't know where I've been that I missed this story here, but that is SO funny! I can just picture it in my head.
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