My Inane Analysis

A lot is going to be discussed on TV this week about the failed McCain Campaign. You're going to hear all kinds of analyses with all sorts of fanciful theories floated out there to try and explain not only what McCain did wrong, but how he could have done it right, and won this thing.

Ignore all of it. I'll explain it to you right now.

1) He needed to stop being so old. Obama was young. By being an old man, McCain failed to connect with young people, who themselves were NOT old, and thus voted for the guy who was young. Had McCain tried being a little younger, like say, 52 or so, he might have actually stood a chance.

2) He needed to fix our country's financial woes. By himself. About a year and a half ago. And then made sure that he was given due credit for it. By failing to have done this, McCain instead cast himself as the guy who DIDN'T save the economy. And who wants to vote for THAT guy? Holy crap, not me!

3) McCain needed to have chosen a running mate who was as old and white as he was, and who said something half-retarded every time he opened his mouth. I mean, what's with this hot young babe who appeals to his base? Like that was gonna work!

4) McCain needed to get a lot more people to vote for him. Instead, he fell about 7 million votes short of Obama. While it's not quite impossible, it's certainly very unlikely that you will win an election without getting more votes than your opponent. This was piss-poor planning on McCain's part, and contributed directly to his overwhelming defeat.

5) McCain needed to actually BE Barack Obama. Instead, he freely chose to be John McCain, during an election cycle when Barack Obama was the more popular choice. John McCain can only blame himself for this monumental blunder.

There you have it. Now when these other pundits start spouting off their silly reasons for McCain's defeat, you can switch over to "Dancing with the Stars" on TiVo without leaving yourself uneducated. You're welcome.