An Election Day Primer

Well, here we are! After what, 13 years of campaigning? Am I off on that? Whatever, after a long friggin' campaign season, the election is FINALLY HERE.

Well, ok, for most of us, it's been here for a month or so. Maybe you've already mailed in your ballot. Maybe you were registered by ACORN and have already mailed in 30 ballots! Whew, how exhausting, but good for you, for participating in Democracy! You have earned a well-deserved break. Go outside and have a smoke.

For the rest of you, it's Election-Day-As-Usual. Time to go down to the local library or school and step into that booth, pull the curtain closed, and vote.

This can be tough. Voting, especially over the past 8 years, has been a daunting task for a lot of you.

That's why I'm here to help. So, in your interest, let's go over a few things, shall we?

1) When you get to your polling place, you may encounter long lines. It's ok! If this is the case, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN DISENFRANCHISED!

Now, I hate long lines as much as the next guy. But this is an important thing you're about to do, so be tough. Hang in there. Pretend you're at the Walmart check-out stand, and you're buying a new Wii System. Most of you will stand around for two hours to do that, without grumbling.

For you ACORN-registered voters, you may end up standing in line several times, and waiting EACH TIME! God bless you for what you're doing to advance your candidate's cause. You may want to call in sick to work; this could take you all day. Also, have a fake beard or pair of glasses handy; after the fifth or sixth time through the line, you may be recognized.

2) Once you get inside the booth, you will have to face down the VOTING MACHINE. I wish I could direct you how to use it, but there are so many varying models of voting machines out there that I couldn't possibly start. What I CAN do, however, is give you some general guidelines.

By and large, most voting machines will be dumber than you, the voter. (This may not be the case in certain counties in Ohio and Florida.) It might take you several minutes, but you CAN overcome all of the challenges your voting machine will present to you. MOST OF THE TIME, here's what you have to do:

A) Find your candidate's name
B) Push the thingy next to your candidate's name.
C) Verify that you have pushed the thingy next to your candidate's name.

If you screw this up, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN DISENFRANCHISED! You have been stupid. It's not the same thing. It's not even the same number of syllables.

For you ACORN-registered voters, this will actually be a breeze once you've done it a few times. Maybe while you stand in line, you can explain how the machine works to those standing in line with you, to speed things along.

Some of you may notice that your Voting Machine is just a touch-screen that produces no paper ballot. Vote for whomever. It won't matter; the tallies on those things are already pre-determined. Hey, vote for Bob Barr! He won't win anyway, but you can have a good chuckle sitting around the campfire this summer with your friends about how you voted for friggin' BOB BARR! What a riot. Oh by the way, you HAVE been disenfranchised, but hey, whaddayagonnado?

3) Many of you will be approached by Exit Pollers once you leave the polling place. They will ask you, "Who did you vote for?"

The correct answer is "Barack Obama!" I know, you just voted for Bob Barr; it doesn't matter! You must ALWAYS tell the exit poller that you voted for Barack Obama!

This is very important. The networks depend on these exit polls so that they can call the election early. If you start telling them who you actually voted for, I'm gonna end up sitting up until 3 a.m. waiting for the election results to be tallied. If you just say Obama, on the other hand, I can probably make it to Hooter's by 10:30 for a big basket of wings and a night of severe dysentery. So do it for me. "Barack Obama. I voted for Barack Obama. For change 'nstuff."

NOTE: ACORN-registered voters should only respond to the exit pollers once. Some of them have TV cameras with them. You don't want to be spotted doing a two-fer in that fake beard.

4) Wear your "I Voted" sticker! THIS IS FEDERAL LAW. If you don't wear that thing back to the office, AND KEEP IT ON ALL DAY, your vote will not be counted! Please place it somewhere prominent and make sure you slightly angle your body so that it may be seen by all who pass by your cubicle. It will feel like you're being an obnoxious ass; that's ok, because you ARE being an obnoxious ass, but you are being an obnoxious ass by FEDERAL STATUTE.

5) Tomorrow morning, about half of you will discover that your candidate lost the election.

NO WHINING!

This is key to our democracy. If you don't like the guy who won, you only have one option: TALK SMACK ABOUT HIM FOR FOUR YEARS. (Which is kinda like whining but not the same thing. It's a very nuanced difference.)

What a grand and golden opportunity you have been handed. The economy's in the tank? It's because of that jackass in the White House. Russia invades Ukraine? Yeah, because with so-and-so in Washington, they think they can get away with it. You bought a $490K house on a $38K annual salary and defaulted on the very first payment? Friggin' President shoulda been there to stop your dumb ass.

You see how this works? It's awesome- you won't be to blame for ANYTHING anymore. You can go to work and literally fart on your boss, and when he fires you, you have a man in the Capital to blame for it.

You'll be the envy of all your neighbors. ACORN voters? Ha, look what you're gonna be missing out on!


Ok, people, that's about it. I hope this was helpful. Feel free to pass this along to your friends and neighbors. Democracy is important, or so they say, so Rock the Vote or Vote for Change or whatever this year's catch-phrase is.

Oh, and get plenty of rest over the next week, because the 2012 campaign is scheduled to get started on November 11th.